Miss You

Life is never a smooth ride. I now understand what prince Gautama might have gone through that made him Buddha. I was contemplating if I should write this post but no... I have to let this out.

I now understand how much sorrow the death of your loved ones bring. You think you know it when you see others going through it. No actually you don't ! No one can ever image what it is to lose a family member if you haven't experienced it yourself. And God forbid you shouldn't go through any such thing. 

2012 had been worst year of my life. I hated God. I hated Him for taking away my dad from me. I hated him for taking him away so early... For taking him away when I was not around.... For taking him away when none of us was expecting any such thing... I hated Him for not giving me an opportunity to serve my dad... I hated Him because my daughter would not even have any memories of her grant father.... I hated him for everything. I confronted Him... I challenged him.... I couldn't come to terms with Him....

The best part of my life have always been my parents.... I don't think it is common to have a dad as loving and as caring as my dad was. I was extremely lucky to have him as my dad... I don't know what I have done in my past births that God showered me with his blessings and gave me loving parents.... Only to take them away!!!!!!! It is such a tough realization to know that they won't stay there with you forever. 

I respect my dad for being the person he is... He was not just a caring father but also a loving husband. At the times when having a daughter was considered a burden ( I know educated people who think like that even now) he raised 3 girls with so much love and care and never compromised on anything for our well-being and provided the best he could for us. I know my mom played a major role too. It's such a boon to have a modern educated parents who never felt that girls are any less to boys and always inculcated the same in us. 

But now all that is gone... I now am only left with a shattered mom who is trying to wear a brave look but I know how broken she is from inside... Losing a companion who was with her through thick and thin for most part of her life is not something that can be overcome easily. She always thought that God paid her off with the best companion she could ever imagine for all the puja she did when young. It was a dream come true for her to get married to dad. Now ... After all these years... She feels she is unlucky.... That she has to go through the old age all alone... That she is left alone in her life when the companionship is most needed. 

What a big blow it is on every one of us. Could there be anything more painful than this. We are all exposed to ugly truth of life.... The death... How we all knew that death existed but still never give it a thought... Never knew how painful it can be...  It came on all of us... To show its presence... It's power... It's capability to ruin the life...to show its importance... 

I hate myself for not being able to dream about dad...to talk to him in dreams... Like how I talk to him everyday on my way to work... That would be the closest I could get to him now. How I wish to see him everyday.... 

I read about life and death in Hinduism... What we believe would happen to the dead... If your deeds are good enough you get moksha and you unite with Brahma ..you will be relieved from the cycle of birth and death... However I am not able to wish this to be happening to dad... I wish to see him again.... Not as my child or any kind of other relation...but like my dad again... I didn't get to spend enough time with him... I want him back... I want him back as my dad.. I want the same love from him... The same pure and unconditional love he gave us all... I know I am being selfish.... But I can't come to terms to the fact that this is all I get... I want more... I want more of his love... His presence... And an opportunity to serve him ... To look after him... To be there for him in the need. 

I still remember how he explained algebra to me the first time I came across all those x and y in math class. It blew me. Why should you have those x and y in math. Aren't those alphabets. Aren't numbers different from letters? That was what we learnt for all those early years in school. He knew everything and had answer for everything. He was my hero.

He was  an intellectual  Person and was my inspiration. He was such an optimist and had trust in everyone. He would say that the world is built on trust and that you have to trust everyone around you, which is complete contrast to mom. They were both right in their own ways. 

He always had a civic sense towards the society. He would try not to litter on roads... he would conserve energy, water and all those scarce resources in the world. He would follow the rules and wouldn't think of breaking them. 

I still remember how stubborn and irresponsible immature a kid I was. I always wanted the best for me among all my friends on my birthdays.... I should have the best dress.. I should give away the best chocolates...  And poor dad had to provide them all. Ofcourse he had to fight with mom to give them to me...I still remember we used to travel couple of hours to get to the stores for the nice birthday dress... And I cared the least about the price... How I felt dad can get me anything I wanted. How protected I felt when I was with him.those are the best days ever. When I look back at those days I admire my parents for not only providing the best education they could but also for making sure we don't miss out on small pleasures of life as children.

I feel sorry for Ishita. Sorry that she doesn't know her grant dad... she will have to live her life with no memories of him. I remember the short time he spent with her... when she was really small... only a few months old.. when she was not of the age of being socially responsive, He used to tie all the colorful toys/papers to her bassinet mobile and get excited that she is watching them rotating. he taught her play with rattle, when she was so young and would not even be able to hold it in her hands, and every time she drops them off he would show her how to play and then give it to her to do the same. This was the age when even Vijay was not comfortable playing with her. The father daughter time started when she started social smiling and started responding to what he did. If dad was able to engage her at such an young age, it kills me to think what kind of bonding they could have developed now and in future.

Losing my dad made me vulnerable. I am just not the same person I was a year before. It scares the hell out of me when my mom doesn't pick her phone. Any phone call I receive from my sisters I get frantic if I have to hear any bad news. Life is just not the same. The harsh truths of life are hitting me with their most powerful weapons. Why did the time have to move, why can't we always be my dad's little birds in our own happy nest.Why did we have to grow up, why did we have to move out of our happy home, why did I have to stay thousands of miles away from my parents. And now he is so far that none of can reach him. I so wish I can see him and talk to him. I will always love you and miss you forever. You are my Hero.